Via Dolorosa

I wish I had the guts to fall in love. I'm scared to make the same mistake they did. "Easy to fall, easy to break," they say. So I never really let myself fall. I just hang here suspended by thin strings that were very close to breaking. Because I want someone to cradle me, I want someone to sing me lullabies. I'm in love with the idea of love, not with a person. My heart is hanging now by the noose of reality; who killed my hopes and has got me in a choke hold. I can't breath anymore. There's no more silly strings to keep me here suspended above you all. No. Just a thick noose, braided of gritty ropes that scratch at my throat. But I don't die, of course, because that would be too pleasant, too quick, too painless. Instead, I dangle here, slowly suffocating on my own insecurities. Slowly choking on my own flaws. I watch you all, frolicking below me with your hearts worn on your sleeves, like its the newest, trendiest accessory. I watch you all fall in love, I watch people fall in love with you. I watch your hearts break. And I laugh because, even though the sadness that follows heartbreak isn't very nice, it's better than this. Some of you are hanging up here with me, faces turning blue, hands clawing at your noose. Some of you try to scream, but your calls never make a sound and you end up gurgling and gasping, fingers prying violently at the rope. You act like there is a possibility of reprieve. I know there's not, I don't even try. And sometimes your ropes will snap, because you let someone into your heart again. And you'll fall back down, the air rushing around you, filling you with glee, your heart swelling, a bashful smile spreading across your face, blush rising in your cheeks, their image filling your head. Your thoughts are dizzy and buzzing. Once you land on those amorous plains of that existence, you can't walk straight or think straight you're so high on love. It's like a drug. There are addicts who always get their fill, but when they don't, they go through a nasty withdrawal. There are dealers who make big bucks on your misfortune and vulnerability. There are those people who try it once or twice, when they go through their reckless faze. But then there are people like me, who get a little taste and yearn for more. But no one would sell it to me. They didn't take me seriously, "You want someones love? Are you kidding?" So I removed myself from the equation completely. But most of us don't fall again, most of us aren't that lucky.