Mosquito

Insecurity. That basically describes my life in one word. Insecurities are like mosquitoes. They start out small but the longer they’re with you, the bigger they get; the more they take out of you and the more they become a problem. You can contract malaria from mosquitoes. You can contract depression from insecurities. Lately, for me, its been getting bad. I know that this happens to everyone throughout their teens; the destruction of your self image, but I didn’t realize stereotypes hurt so bad. I mean I didn’t know they would actually make me feel as crappy as I do. Sometimes I look in mirrors to hear that voice in my head reminding me “Oh, your not that pretty,” or “Gosh, people are right, you look anorexic.” I’m not though. I’m not anorexic. Sometimes I go on Tumblr and get depressed because One Direction pops up on my dash and all I can think is that a guy like that will never love a girl like me. That’s all I really want. Is for some guy to tell me I’m beautiful and that I shouldn’t worry about my body because its perfect and that everyone is just jealous. But I have no one to tell me that. So I can’t figure out why sometimes I think bad about myself, hoping that some guy will randomly come along and tell me I’m perfect, when there is no guy. I don’t think there will ever be a guy. And I’m quiet. I don’t tell anyone. Actually, I did. I told this one girl in my grade that I personally dislike, because she always said “You’re soooo skinny.” So one day I replied, “Yeah, I know. I hate myself. I mean my face is okay, but the rest of my body is just…” She sat there shocked and could only muster, “that’s so mean.” Yeah it is and it sucks. But that’s what I genuinely think of myself. And the shittiest thing about insecurities is that after a while, you begin to believe that other people think your (ugly, fat, too skinny, dumb) too. When I wear shorts for gym I get all awkward and weird because I think other people are looking at me and thinking the same thing I am, “Wow, my legs are like sticks.” When I said that to that girl, I’ve convinced myself that she was thinking the same thing because she didn’t say, “No you’re body’s perfect, you’re beautiful.” She just didn’t. And know after hearing other people on Tumblr saying how they want to be able to see their collarbones and their hipbones, I start to question the meaning behind peoples statements. When they tell me I’m skinny, do they think its a compliment? Or is it an insult?
And I find it pretty funny that I’m sitting here acting like there’s an audience, when in reality I will be the only one re-reading this off my computer screen. But you know what? I don’t care. It’s not embarrassing, because no one even knows this blog exists besides me. There’s no one to impress. I cried writing this, but I’ll tell you anything, because no one else is listening. No one else cares about my life.
Today another person said, “Oh my gosh, your legs are so skinny.” Then she mumbled something about being fat. After I summoned courage, I blurted out, “Was that supposed to be a compliment?” Her reply, “Yeah, I mean it looks unnatural but as long as you’re healthy…” Thanks a fucking lot. Now I’m right back where I started.