Unrequited Advice

I am apologetic. I am sorry for the things that I never said. I am still trying to figure out what I want with myself, but thus far I know that I am okay. I'm not drowning anymore; it turns out I learned how to swim. My heart still grows heavy and my eyes still do leak, but I am no longer crumbling within myself. Perhaps it is the summer air that's intoxicating me, but I feel content. And I know that I am still a mess and that my hair is always knotty and that my mind is still a labyrinth: but I am whole and I don't want to ever be broken again. So, dear reader, do not wish for sadness. Do not wish for self-loathing or low self-esteem. If you are unhappy, do not sit there immobile, watching your life blow by. Humans are made to feel things and if you have numbness running through your veins then you are merely existing. Let someone close to you, let someone love you. Let the feeling of happiness rush through you. You are my hope and I know that you are more powerful than the forces of the universe. You are made of the blood of your ancestors, and when you were simply a gleaming fleck of faith, the world believed in you. The world still does believe in you, with every step that you take. You have the ability to flood the skies and open the oceans. You are sincerity and integrity. You are yourself, and that is the best that you can be.

Psychosis

I'm not sure what the definition of crazy is but I'm sure it's along the lines of me. I don't know why and I don't know how. All I know is that crazy is the tornado that rages inside of my head, filled with morbid voices laughing at my pain. Crazy is the images stamped into the back of my eyelids that remind me that I'm no good enough. I'm sorry to say but you have disappointed me. Perhaps it's my fault; I never should have believed that you were any different. Because you're not, and I put you on some sort of fucked up pedestal hoping that you'd be just a little bit of the person you claimed to be. But I have been let down again and this time I promise not to get my hopes back up. Insanity is flowing through my veins and churning in my heart. I don't know when this madness started blooming inside me but today my words wouldn't form properly and felt like bittersweet molasses dripping from my lips. My words were heavy on my tongue and came out distorted and meaningless. So I just wanted to apologize on my part, because I'm sure that I have let you down too, in some way or form. I know that I mess things up and I never do anything right. I know that my loneliness has been festering and has probably caused most of my problems. But what can I say? I'm addicted to sadness and without it in my life I feel a hole carved into my chest, even bigger than the one that you left behind. And feeling nothing it all is not comparable to the gentle, soft melancholy that washes over me every now and again. Maybe insanity is sadness, and sadness is insanity; but all I know is that both of these things make me feel alive. For that I am thankful. So thank you Sadness and Craziness for keeping me company on these long winter days when I have nothing left to live for.