Apologetic

I didn't ask for a lobotomy, just a place to rest my thoughts. It's not fair because I don't want everyone taking a peek into my mind. I don't want everyone dissecting me and my brain and my words. I feel like I have to prove something to you and I don't know how to please you without breaking myself. I feel exposed and vulnerable. Sure every body's greedy for a secret, but that doesn't mean it has to be mine. I feel as though someone is applying a thousand pounds of pressure to my head. I think that crying might help but the only thing I can do is wring my hands and pace and pray that it'll all turn out okay. Sure, there are a million things I could say right now, but I don't think anything will slow the pace of the words rushing through my head. All I wanted was to be free and now I think I'm trapped all over again. I just want to leave so badly, and start over in a place where skyscrapers mar the horizon. I want to fall in love and write my heart out. But most of all I want to do all these things without being judged for it. And I feel like you've got your hawk eyes locked on me and for every genuine sentence that pours out of my fingertips you'll be there, deciding the final verdict. I'm not quite sure what I'm saying anymore and I feel like whatever talent I had is quickly fading. Because my thoughts are nothing but somber and lonely. They can no longer be turned into romantic, beautiful lies that sound nice when read aloud. Now all I can sum up is that I just want to disappear and never be found. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive.